There is a lot of talk these days about bullying. And that’s good. Bullies in the real-world aren’t typically the inexplicably large, awkward trolls that they were in 1990s television and film.
I was relatively lucky: after middle school (where everyone is the worst that they will ever be), I never had to deal with any bullies at school*. Part of that was because I went to a really good high school where the students were generally too diverse, too numerous, and too chronically exhausted to devote the kind of time and energy required to bully each other. We had a lot of homework. Part of it was because I was slowly becoming aware that I am kind of a giant, even though I spent years oblivious to the fact that I towered above most of my classmates. I went through my high school life thinking that my generation was one with few bullies, and in which homophobia was almost completely absent. Unfortunately, that is not true, and my high school experience took place in a magical alternate universe.
But, as we all know, bullying is a real thing. It is prevalent. It happens in homes, on playgrounds, in malls, at schools, at work, and over the internet. People whom you would never imagine being bullied, like one of your favorite authors, can be the targets of serious and potentially dangerous bullying. It happens with males typically in the form of ridicule and open mocking, exclusion, and physical violence towards the victim and his (or her) property. This is most often male-on-male bullying. We also talk about female bullying, the “mean girls” who are often more subtle but also more cruel and long-term in their social wars with each other and with their victims. There is a lot of talk about this, in fact. People say that the ways that girls conduct themselves socially is worse than how boys do it.
You guys, words are never worse than violence. Ever. They might be crueler and perhaps less instinctual, but words are always preferable to violence. Let’s stop kidding ourselves.
Also, let’s stop vilifying scheming girls, especially scheming high school girls. It is wrong to be cruel (cruelty is just the flip-side of mercy, and both are deviations from justice, so I dislike them both), and it is wrong to harass people and victimize them. But it is NOT wrong to scheme. And, depending upon what you are doing, it is not wrong to manipulate.
Knowing how to make friends, keep friends, and influence people is a vital life skill. And so is lying, actually. You shouldn’t lie compulsively or sloppily, you shouldn’t manipulate people compulsively or sloppily, and you shouldn’t use those skills—or any skills—to hurt innocent people. But reading people, predicting their behavior, and subtly influencing their behavior? That’s good. And it can be a tool for good. It can help you to succeed in the business world, or it can help you have more fun.
Mean Girls is one of my favorite movies. You shouldn’t be like Regina George because she is vicious and she is willing to tear down everything in order to get even with people. But you can still be a powerful, self-assured girl (or boy) who knows how to get ahead in life. I would love to see these powerful female characters portrayed in positive lights, in contrast to their vicious bully counterparts, in books, television, and films. And I would like to see it more often.
So we can vilify the actual bullies of the world without criticizing people who use their social powers for good. Otherwise, we’re the bullies.
*My horrible father was a bully, but that’s a very different situation. And not at school or among my peers, which is what I’m talking about.
